


if you try to drown a secret, it will always come to the surface

by ArgentLives



Series: i'm real and i don't feel like boys [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: (that's my favorite tag ever by the way), Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, F/F, Fix-It, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Self-Acceptance, Sexual Content, Sexual Identity, Vilde is a lesbian, like a really really big one she's so gay my friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 03:33:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11569425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentLives/pseuds/ArgentLives
Summary: Vilde has resigned herself to playing pretend, being the perfect girlfriend for a boy who's nice enough, if it means people won't ask questions. If it means she can shove certain feelings she doesn't want to face down far enough that no one can see them, not even herself.Until one day she gets a text, and her carefully crafted world starts to crumble.





	if you try to drown a secret, it will always come to the surface

**Author's Note:**

> So since I'm really bitter this didn't happen, I'm going to try to make a series of all of the different ways and moments that Vilde could have come out and come to terms with her sexuality. So this is the first of that series (they're not going to be in chronological order, like I'm thinking of doing one from season 2 at some point) set in s4, and hopefully a bit of a rewrite of what happened there using elements from canon. Also this is my way of reasoning how Vilde and Magnus apparently became so close and genuine in the last ep when the whole first half of the season there was all that pointless foreshadowing that something was off about their relationship (this is also me coping with the fact that they were so gross and over the top with all the sex talk and pda (hint: it was overcompensating! and covering things up!)). Anyway! This will probably be like 3 chapters but I don't have anything concerete planned, just that it's going to end with Evilde because I'm a sucker for that pairing.
> 
> Also because this was something that bothered me I'll probably include something in this where we actually see Vilde and Sana talk things out and where Vilde apologizes to her because like...that needed to happen on the show (with all the girls really) and it didn't.
> 
> ALSO for extra fun all of the titles are going to be from baity lines and instagram posts from the show :o) (here's this one: https://www.instagram.com/p/BUzWg6AlpWE/?taken-by=ellevillevillde)

_Eva_

_21.48_

_lol there are rumors that Magnus loves you more than you love him, Vilde_

 

She clutches her phone tight in her hand, reading the message glaring back at her and then re-reading it to make sure she’s got it right, or maybe like she’s hoping it’ll disappear the second time around, but no, that’s definitely what it says. She lets it sink in for a moment, and feels her insides go cold. One text message, and suddenly she can hardly breathe, feels like her world is tilting on its axis. _No, no, no, no_ , she thinks to herself. _I was so careful_.

And because the universe apparently loves to laugh right in her face, of course it’s Eva who says it. Like she somehow knows what’s really going on in Vilde’s head, like she can see right through her. Like maybe she’s known this thing Vilde’s tried so hard to run away from herself and hide from everyone around her since they first shared a kiss. Like she knows that she was just a little too into it to be _normal._

First things first, she knows she needs to talk to Magnus. She’s known for a while that he was really starting to care about her, that this was getting out of hand, but—

It’s not fair to keep doing this to him. To lead him on when nothing on her end can ever be as real or intense as it might be on his, no matter how much she tells herself she loves him.

(She ignores the tiny voice in her head that tells her that she doesn’t deserve what she’s been doing to herself either, all of the lengths she’s gone to in order to prove herself.)

Her fingers hover over the keyboard, and for one reckless moment she considers just dropping it all and telling all her friends that, _yes, it’s true, and I’ve been lying to Magnus and I’ve been lying to all of you and most of all I’ve been lying to myself_ , but it passes as quick as it comes and she quickly deletes the those first three letters she’s started to type.

 _What?_ she types instead, _Jealous people will always try to ruin you._ She closes her eyes and hits send, and ignores the rolling of her stomach, swallows down the bitter taste on tongue when the conversation moves on just like that, like it’s no big deal, like it’s that easy to believe, like Vilde isn’t sort of dealing with the biggest identity crisis of her life and just came _this close_ to being found out before she was ready. It’s fine. It’s fine. She stares down at her phone until the screen goes black.

She spends the next two hours with her face buried in her pillow, simultaneously trying to figure what the fuck she’s going to say to Magnus and trying hard not to think of what his reaction might be when she says it.

 

***

 

She’s never particularly liked Magnus’s bed—but that’s probably because of what they do on it. Not nearly as often as she pretends when she boasts about it to the girls but…still more often than she’d like. Not that Magnus ever pressures her into anything, of course. It’s not his fault that she doesn’t—that there’s something—well, anyway.

The bed has never felt as uncomfortable as it does now, though, as she lays on her back, eyes closed and heart racing. Magnus isn’t even touching her except where their arms brush against each other, lying down next to each other. She steels herself, keeping her eyes shut tight because she can’t bear to look at him right now, knowing that she’s about to be the reason that stupidly fond smile is wiped right off his face.

“So,” Vilde says, steeling herself, “today Eva told me that there’s some rumor going around…about us.”

“Oh, fuck,” Magnus says, although he doesn’t sound upset, so she figures he must not have heard. “Was it about the reverse cowgirl thing we tried? Because I might have told the boys about that, I didn’t mean to spread it around, I swear—”

“Magnus.” She stifles a wince at the unpleasant memory that particular statement brings up, and reaches out to tap her hand against his chest to get him to stop talking. “That’s not what it’s about.”

“Oh…okay?”

“There’s um. It’s that you’re more into me than I…than I’m into you and that’s…what it is.”

Magnus laughs, actually laughs, bright and amused and perfectly oblivious, like he can’t even fathom it being true, and Vilde kind of (really) hates herself. “Well that’s just stupid.”

One, two, three seconds pass and she can feel the tension start to build. Vilde is silent for long enough that her skin starts to itch, and she’s never wanted to crawl right out of it more than in this moment. She swallows hard. _Now or never_ , she thinks. “It’s…not, actually. Stupid, I mean.”

She feels him go rigid next to her, and when he pulls his arm away and sits up in one sharp movement, for once she wants the contact back of his skin against hers.

“Oh.” It’s small and it’s sad and it doesn’t sound right, coming from him. She’s never heard him this upset before.

She finally opens her eyes, and immediately wishes she hadn’t. She sits up slowly, glances back at Magnus again and quickly looks down at her hands in her lap. “Magnus, I…”

“I thought we…I don’t…You don’t like me?”

“It’s not that,” she’s quick to reassure, and with a jerky movement, feeling like her limbs aren’t quite her own, she tries to grab his hand. She blinks back tears when he immediately pulls his hand away, and then feels frustrated with herself because she’s got no right to be hurt here. She’s not the one who’s just got her heart broken.

“I like you, I really do, I think you’re a really sweet guy and you’ve been great but it’s just—I don’t think I like...people like…you.”

“People like me?” he repeats in a hollow voice, and she immediately realizes her mistake.

“Not like—not like you as a person just the fact that you’re not…well, what I mean is, you’re…not my type, because my type is, I think, not boys.” She says it all in a rush, the last word almost getting caught in her throat.

“You mean… _oooh_ ,” he says, his eyes widening, some of the hurt replaced with shock, and then softening with understanding. “Wow, that’s…”

“Yeah, it’s…yeah.”

He’s silent for a moment too long, before sitting up a little straighter. “Hey, I get it. I do. Girls are fucking great, right?” She can tell he’s still not really recovered from essentially being dumped, but he smiles at her anyway, and the sudden rush of gratitude she feels for him nearly bowls her over. Something in her that’s been coiled up tight in her chest finally relaxes, and it’s like she can finally breathe again.

“Yeah, they are,” she says, and it’s a quiet admission, and it’s small, but it’s a start. She’s definitely not ready for the world to know, least of all her friends, but still. Less than a year ago she’d still be trying to convince herself that it wasn’t real, that she just needed to find the right guy, that she couldn’t be…well. She thinks she might be crying a little bit, but they’re not the bad kind of tears. Not entirely, at least.

“Please don’t tell anyone though,” she says, wiping under her eyes. “I…might’ve panicked and told the girls that people were just jealous and making things up. I’m not really—I don’t want anyone to know yet, I don’t even really know what this is myself, I’m not ready for…all of that.”

“Hey, I won’t,” he says, holding up his hands. “I know I don’t know when to shut up sometimes but I can keep the important things in.”

He gives her a tiny smile and she musters up one in return. They sit in silence for a little while that’s not exactly comfortable but not awkward either, Magnus fidgeting with the bedsheets like he’s trying to figure out what to say.

“So like,” he clears his throat, breaking the tentative quiet that’s fallen between them. “If you’re really not ready, I could maybe be your beard. Or…I don’t know what the term would be for girls. Is there a term?”

Vilde blinks, mulls that over for a second, and promptly throws herself into his arms, closing her eyes and squeezing him tight. “You would really do that for me?”

He catches her easily, patting her back in comfort. “Yeah, like, I just want you to be happy. And obviously I’m sad but I’ll get over it. I wouldn’t mind helping out if you don’t want people to keep asking questions. I mean not forever obviously but just if you need some time to figure things out.”

“Thanks, Magnus.” She pulls back and smiles at him, watery and a little broken but it feels so, so good. Someone knows, and they don’t hate her. She’s actually acknowledged that there’s something _to_ know, and she doesn’t—it doesn’t feel awful. It feels freeing. For a moment, she actually feels weightless. She squeezes his hand, trying to convey just how much this all means.

Pretend to be together, okay, she can totally do that. A relationship that’s not really a relationship to anyone but the outside world, something with no real expectations. It could work. She can pretend. She’s been pretending this whole time, really, if she’s honest with herself (she very rarely is). The only difference is that now, for the first time, she’s acknowledged that there’s…something. She’s allowed herself to think about it, to talk about it, to tell someone else about it. But that’s about as far as she’s willing to go, right now.

Something else tugs at the back of her mind, the image of her mother, laid out on the couch, surrounded by bottles, unable to get up, and an ever-growing stack of bills that need to be paid on the table. Yeah, she thinks, the weight settling back in her chest, the relief gone almost as quick as it came. She can keep pretending.

After all, it’s what she’s always done.

 

***

 

“You know, I’ve always wanted to be friends with a lesbian. It’s, like, kind of—”

“ _Magnus_.”

 

***

 

Weirdly enough, she feels a whole lot closer to Magnus now than when she was actually dating him. So when he gives her a kiss on the cheek goodbye in front of her friends and then a then throws in a private wink just for her, she doesn’t even have to fake a smile. He was upset at first, of course, but now it’s almost like he’s excited to be in on a secret. It’s like she can talk to him now, as a friend, without the barrier of constant worry in the way, of what she has to do and how she has to act to be a convincing girlfriend when they’re alone.

Her smile doesn’t really hold up through lunch, and she finds herself staring hard at the sandwich she’d thrown together with the last of the scraps she could find in the fridge (she makes a mental note to go shopping again soon, and then another mental note to ask her mom some things she might want for dinner this week, and then stops when she realizes that’s not really a train of thought she wants to go down when she’s sitting out in public), willing herself to pick it up and take a bite because she can’t afford to slip back into the _habits_ she picked up last year. She’s got too much responsibility riding on her shoulders for that (which, of course, has always been part of the problem, but…)

Eva nudges her with her elbow to get her attention, and jumps a little in her seat as she’s brought back to the present.

“You okay?” Eva asks her, frowning a little, and the concern in her voice kind of makes Vilde want to melt and also kind of makes her want to disappear on the spot.

“Why woudn’t I be?” she says, plastering on a smile, but Eva just narrows her eyes at her, clearly not buying it.

“Hey, you know what we should do? Let’s skip. You and me.” She doesn’t say it like a question—she speaks as though she’s already decided for the both of them. “The rest of the day, I mean.”

Vilde probably shouldn’t—she should stay here and finish her crappy sandwich and try her hardest to focus in her next class even though there are a million more important things on her mind. And their friend group has been off lately, they really shouldn’t be ditching them, they should make more of an effort to hang out like they used to. Also, she can’t really afford to skip. She needs to save as many days as she can for those inevitable times she needs to be home watching after her mother, and getting things done around the house. But on the other hand the rest of the girls haven’t even joined them yet anyway, and on days like today she hates feeling like she’s got the eyes of all of her classmates on her, whispering things, seeing right through her. She could really could use a change of scenery.

“We can go for a walk or something,” Vilde concedes, tucking the sandwich back in her bag. “But I am _not_ skipping.”

 

***

 

They skip. The thing is, Eva is really convincing.

Okay, so that’s not true. Eva’s only convincing because Vilde’s been hopelessly crushing on her for like a year now (even though she’s just now admitting it) and she’d probably skip for the rest of the week if Eva wanted her to and it meant spending time alone like this together, and that’s kind of a terrifying thought.

They’ve spent the past minute recounting some particularly colorful stories from last weekend, laughing until their stomachs hurt. They’re laying out in some random field Eva had led them to just far away enough from the school, and the sun is shining bright overhead, and Eva’s laying down beside her, looking so carefree and beautiful. Her shirt rides up to reveal the smooth skin of her stomach, and Vilde wants nothing more but to reach out and _touch_ —

“But uh, I’m sorry for bringing up that thing about Magnus in the group chat,” Eva says after their laughter has started to die down, cutting off that line of thought, and Vilde feels her smile slip almost instantly. “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that.”

“It’s okay,” Vilde says, her voice small, brushing her fingers through the grass to try to calm the pounding of her heart. “We’re just—like I said, we’re good. Better than ever, really. So…yeah.”

Eva looks at her for a long while, like she’s studying her face and digging for the answer to a question buried deep within it, and Vilde squirms uncomfortably under her gaze. Finally, she scoots a little closer so that their shoulders are touching, and says with as serious of an expression as Vilde’s ever seen her give, “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Vilde’s not sure if the burning feeling in her chest is because she wants to laugh or cry at that, or maybe it’s just because she’s lying so close. The thing is, Eva is simultaneously the person she wants to spill her feelings to most in the world and also the very last person on the planet she could actually talk to about this. The same old list runs through her head whenever she thinks about coming clean: Eva wouldn’t want to be around her anymore, it would weird her out, she, it would ruin their friendship—

 _Or maybe not,_ that traitorous part of her mind still whispers, and she squashes it as much as she’s able. She’s been trying really hard not to give herself false hope, no matter how much her mind likes to remind her that it was _Eva_ who kissed her first.

“What would I have to tell?” Vilde scrunches up her nose, carefully avoiding eye contact.

“I don’t know, Vilde.” Eva tugs a dandelion out of the ground and twists the stem between her fingers. “Life, and stuff.”

“And stuff,” Vilde echoes, before rolling over to face Eva. They’re so close it makes her breath catch in her throat, and if Eva were to roll onto her side they would be close enough to…but no.

Vilde gives her a smile that doesn’t really reach her eyes. It’s fake like everything else about her is fake, like the life she tries so hard to pretend she lives, the person she puts on display to the world. “Thanks, Eva, I’m fine but I will, if there is,” she says, even though she’s not and she has absolutely no intention of telling her friend anything.

The smile Eva gives her back is sort of sad, like she knows.

**Author's Note:**

> it's weird to me that Magnus ended up actually being a big part of this because i honestly don't really care that much about his character, like nothing against him really i'm just indifferent, but hey what can ya do
> 
> also i know this might be kind of overdramatic but that's just who i am as a person


End file.
